The Challenge Of Consistency

Trying to find a new routine (and a lot of other unorganized thoughts).

So, I vanished. Mostly. And not for the first time.

What happened?

Mistakes.

Photo by Raymond Kotewicz on Unsplash

Let’s begin with something that might be glaringly obvious: I like to be lazy.

I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to do things all the time. I don’t always want to be productive. I usually want to sit on the couch with a good comic, show, or novel, a cup of coffee, and no responsibilities. That’s the dream.

However, I am a human who lives on Earth, which means that it’s very rare I actually have that opportunity. At least, it should be. But I haven’t been living like it.

I went on a trip last month. It was a lovely trip. I had the opportunity to volunteer at a church camp that I grew up going to as a student, and it was a lot of fun. But it was also very tiring.

I took the next week to rest, but some stuff happened that made that difficult which I won’t get into here. It was stressful and a little scary, but things always work out in the end, and they did. Still, there wasn’t a lot of resting that week.

I have had some rest since then, however, and I’m ready to get back into writing.

But how do you go straight into a routine after being out of it for so long?

I’ll be honest, since I got my new job, I haven’t found my new normal. I’m still floundering for a solid routine, which is hard since I do my best work when I’m on a consistent schedule. It’s made writing a lot harder than it was.

But I could make excuses all day long. The truth of the matter is that I’ve chosen to procrastinate. I’ve chosen to step away from writing. I’ve chosen not to work towards my goals. That’s my mistake, and I’m trying to fix it. But it’s not easy.

Until now, I hadn’t realized how many things outside of writing affect my creative process. My schedule, the type of job I’m working, my diet, exercise, and a million other factors play into my writing. How you do one thing is how you do everything, and I’ve put all the good, healthy stuff to the side in favor of instant gratification.

I was lonely. I was stressed. I was hurting.

Instead of dealing with my problems, I fell back on old, unhealthy habits to cope. But that only made my problems worse. What I need to do instead is go back to where I was at the beginning of this year. I need to stand up and do the hard things. I need to take responsibility and push forward. I’m not only talking about writing, either.

To be perfectly transparent, this summer hasn’t been kind financially. I made a mistake in the spring and took a big hit, and I’m still recovering from that. I’ve been scrambling these last few months to try to plug the holes, but the cash is still leaking. But God has blessed me. I’ve always had enough because of Him. That doesn’t make it easier, but it’s a good reminder of who’s really in control.

At this point, I need writing to work. Somehow. There is no plan B. I could go back to college, sure. That’s always an option. I took a risk on writing because I didn’t have anything to lose. Thus far, I still don’t, and that’s a good thing. If things keep going South, I can go back to school.

But then what? Spend the rest of my life at a mediocre job? Push my gifts and talents to the side and learn a subject that’s kind of interesting? Put someone else in charge of my schedule and income? Let someone else make the rules for me?

There’s nothing wrong with living an average life. I know that. But if I have the skills, the passion, and the patience (I’ve come this far), then why settle for less than what I’ve been chasing all these years?

I can do it. I know I can. But this summer has felt discouraging.

Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed. I am very blessed, and things could have gone far worse. I’m grateful they didn’t. But that doesn’t mean perseverance is easy.

Still, this doesn’t excuse my lack of discipline. It’s far too easy to fall back on old habits, get comfortable, and stop doing the hard work that success requires. But it’s not worth it. I feel awful, I’m frustrated with myself, and I’m not getting where I want to go.

In spite of this—my personal failing, my stress, my frustration—God is good. With His strength, I managed to get 6,000 words into my next novel. That’s over a 16th of the way there. That’s progress.

Because of Him, I can afford rent and insurance this month. I won’t need to take out a loan or borrow money from anyone. I’ll be okay.

In my weakness He is strong. It’s hard to remember that sometimes. I often get caught up in my negative outlook. I forget how amazing He is. I don’t see Him working despite the results showing themselves all around me.

On top of all that, I’ve been inspired this week. Thanks to the new Superman movie, I’ve gone back to my old hobby of classic comic books, and I fell in love with old-school pulp sci-fi all over again. It reminds me why I write in the first place, and there are two reasons for it. The first is to make up cool stuff (writing books is my adult version of smashing my Transformers together). The second is to bring joy, hope, and optimism to others. How can I do that if I’m being pessimistic?

I love the old, cheesy sci-fi stories from comic books. Is it because I’m cheesy? Maybe. (It absolutely is.) But it’s also because they’re simple and surround themselves with truth. It was a good reminder of what fiction is about to me.

Anyways, that’s what’s been going on. That’s why I haven’t been as active recently. I know I’ve touched on it a few times before, but here’s the whole honest to goodness truth of the matter. I’m stressed, I’m frustrated, and I’m scared. But it’s alright, because I’ve got someone looking out for me, and writing this article reminded me of the hope I have in Him.

I know most of the stuff I’ve been putting out recently has been kinda negative, but that’s how I’ve been feeling. As I swing back into a new high in life, I promise that my words will reflect that, and my writing will be more positive.

That being said, I don’t want to apologize for the negativity. These were my honest thoughts, and I won’t be anything but honest with you. I won’t write about how amazing things are if I don’t truly believe it, and I won’t write about how awful things are going if that isn’t the case. You matter to me, and you deserve the truth.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: I might not apologize for that, but I will apologize for how ADHD this article is, because goodness, I didn’t realize how scrambled my thoughts were when writing this. I hope I didn’t confuse you or give you too much whiplash.)

Thank you for sticking by me through all of this. You are the best, and you deserve the best. Thanks to you and your support, I’ll be able to crank out higher quality work now, and I’ll do it at a much faster pace (which, in this case, would be publishing anything at all at any point). I want to give you my best, and I thank you for your support to help me give you that.

Thanks for everything!

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Thanks for reading!